A Mother's Song

To our precious Baby who we love so much:

You are halfway ready to see us and I know you can feel that we love you more every day. Most days our hearts just burst with laughter for you! Even so, your mama tries to be an honest lady, and in trying my best to be honest, I have to say that in the beginning, I struggled. Not the bad kind of struggle, but the kind of struggle a person has when she wants to really understand the weight of something truly God-breathed. And you, my dear Baby, are God-breathed. I struggled because I wanted to feel you right away, know you were okay, know you were growing just like you were supposed to be growing. I wanted to feel I wasn't messing you up by doing or eating anything wrong (God bless our family, friends and waiters who re-cooked slightly pink meats for me and researched every home-made egg and milk-based product. One day they'll lovingly tell you how crazy I was.). I just wanted to feel that every move I made was the best one for you.

And that's the funny thing about feelings. They sometimes make us sorta nutty. :) When you were 16-weeks-old, as I was sharing those feelings of struggle with your Daddy, you knew I needed a swift kick. Oh, to have the faith of a child. Since your legs weren't long enough then to reach my behind, I know you did your best with a swift kick to the belly button. I was elated and I was listening. Thank you for letting me know I was being silly, and thank you for showing me that you are just fine right where God has you. You knew then what I knew in my head and my heart but was too emotional to grab hold to: Psalm 22:10 From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God. I was letting my feelings get in the way of what I knew to be Truth: God always has been and always will be with you.

I was listening to Daddy's favorite song the other day, and a line popped out at me:

"There's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment..."

There's so much pain, suffering and joy in this world; there are so many questions and answers in this life. In spite of and because of this, Daddy and I choose to believe and hold tight to a Loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment. We choose to believe God when it's hard and when it's easy and when it's good and even when we don't get it. We choose to trust Him, and not our feelings, in ALL things. We choose to love Him in all things. We choose to rejoice in Him in all things. And as we watch you grow, we are even more in awe of  how amazing He is. Thanks for the kick, sweetie. Thanks for reminding me that my feelings are not my loyalty.

To see your tiny body in a black-and-white ultrasound, dancing around and raising your hands in praise was not only exciting and beautiful, it truly, humbly and reverently brought us into the presence of God. Your earthy Mama and Daddy, who God made (in His ultimate sense of humor) to be pretty excited and chatty about a lot of things, were truly brought to a place of silence, awe and reverence. And at the same exact time our sweet ultrasound tech, Paula, flipped on the colors so we could see your heart beat and the blood flow through your precious body, the radio in the office switched to play this song. I sat there on the table, with ultrasound goo dripping down me, watching you dance inside me, watching the blood run through your body with tears silently streaming down my cheeks. And I got it. To steal a line from Beth Moore: That moment was not wasted on me.

"I can only imagine what it will be like when I walk by Your side. I can only imagine what my eyes will see when Your face is before me. I can only imagine. Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still? Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine."


I've always dreamed about being a mom. And now I'm your Mama. Before that day in the office, I could only imagine. I could only imagine you walking, seeing, dancing, standing, kneeling, singing, speaking... and yet at that moment, and with the blessing of God through one of the most beautiful songs, I could see it so perfectly. I could see you, and I do see you walking, seeing, dancing, standing, kneeling, singing and speaking on this earth as you walk it with the One Who made you. I can only imagine what plans He has for your life, but your Daddy and I are so excited to pray you to the Throne of God along with your brothers and sisters, who we also love to imagine. We cannot believe God chose us to share in your story, and we are so blessed.

Daddy and I sort of have a love affair with Steven Curtis Chapman's "All About Love" CD. If CDs could wear out from use, I'm pretty sure we'd need another copy. You'll probably have it memorized by the time you're three years old. Anyway, on that CD, Steven recorded a song for his wife called 11-6-64. It's a song that talks about how that day changed his life because it was the day his wife was born. And even though he was only 2 years old, that day changed his life for good. Well, as good hormonal mommies do, I started crying in the car when I heard it. And I'd heard it so many times before without crying! I know that it was more than just hormones. It was the Spirit moving in me to show me that right now, at this moment, God chose to send you here because you are meant for someone. You are meant for something. And you are meant for HIM. The significance of your life, which was already so obvious to us, grabbed and squeezed my heart in that moment and will never, ever let go. And I never want it to. You are such a gift to us, and to the world, and no matter who you are or what you do or don't do, you couldn't be more perfect because God made you just the way you are...and He is the Author of perfection.

You should know that Mommy is very excited about being in Heaven. Even so, I always think it's important to make one thing very clear: Mommy is not at all morbid and I selfishly ask God for 100 years minimum on this earth with all the people I love. But just thinking about what waits on the other side of this earth makes my skin jump in anticipation. When I was in Church last Sunday (September 26, 2010), we were singing this song. I was sitting with friends and Daddy was home scrubbing paint (he is working SO hard on your house). Though I was with friends, I was all alone in a dark sanctuary, completely taken in by the imagery of Heaven that the song portrays. And then the tears came. It had nothing to do with me or with my worship or with what  was going on around me. It was because in a vision, I saw Daddy on his face before the Throne of God, singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come." I'd never seen his face shine with so much peace, joy and love. He was a man transformed before the glory of God. Other than seeing you, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life, because I know that one day, no matter what this world hands us, our glorious day will be when we see each other exactly where we were meant to be.

I am so in awe that God gave me your Daddy and I am beyond awe that he will be your Daddy who teaches you all about God and life, just like he teaches me. I love Thursdays for many reasons. One of them is that Daddy and I get to be with some of our most special friends and fellowship with them (oh, and how we wish we could gather with all our precious friends and family from CT, MI, NY and beyond!). On special Thursdays, he gets to ask God what to talk about and then He gets to share what God tells him to share. Some days I get a little distracted because I'm thinking about how much I like the outfit he has on or how much I like his handsome hair day, but on the rest of the days, I love learning with him and all our friends. And as much as I love learning, I love watching him get excited about the Jesus he loves even more than us (and that's a lot). When he gets REALLY excited about something God tells him, he bends his knees really fast and bounces and he starts to click his pen cap off and on a lot faster and harder than usual. I know that when that starts to happen, in that moment, the Spirit is gonna bring a WORD. Some day you'll know what I mean. I hope you bounce with joy like Daddy. I know you will because you are his child and you are both Children of God and I love you both like crazy.

As you can see, Mommy is so blessed right now. And even if I had none of things things, I would still be so blessed. Because no matter what and no matter how I feel and no matter what I can see in the moment, I know God is good. I pray every day that I listen to Him so that I do the things He wants me to do. Many days are very messy, but I know God loves me and gives me Grace to learn and grow so that I can be the best Mommy to you and the best Kelli to Daddy and our family and friends.

I pray that even now, you know how much you are loved and wanted, and how we are so excited to bring you into this beautiful, messy, crazy and perfect family of God we have been given. It's full of lots of people - people of all shapes, sizes, colors, ideas - and we LOVE it. We pray you see every person as a Child of God and always know that HE IS GOOD.

You might not understand it now, but I have never before stood before God as I have as a wife and a mom. Those were two unexpected miracles that changed my life forever...two unexpected miracles that continuously show me the best and worst parts of myself and demand a beautiful change in the name of our Lord. I have never before understood the depth, breadth, width and fervor with which God loves me, and I always want you to know that you are loved by Him with this same love. He holds us all in His hands and He holds you.

My precious baby, my firstborn: I have prayed for you since I knew to pray for you in college. I pray for your present and I pray for your future.

Hallelujah! I find it beyond incredible that you will come to us just 40 weeks after you have been in the very presence of God (God does great things with the number 40!). Oh, I wonder what you said to Him? I wonder what you did together in Heaven? One day, I will know, but for now, I can only imagine you walking, seeing, dancing, standing, kneeling, singing and speaking before Him, and I can't wait to see you continue that here on earth until you can do it back in Heaven once more.

I love you.
Mom