What You Need To Know About Hospital Gowns

I'm convinced that pregnancy can be downright hilarious. I mean it. We've had so much fun this week; oddly, in the most unusual of circumstances.

I started having some weird cramps on Thursday morning. I wasn't all that concerned because the last time I had these exact same cramps (back when I was visiting family in MI), I called the Doctor's office nurses and they said, "Eh, no biggie." Well, they really didn't say those exact words, but you understand the non-issue these cramps were at that time. So this time, I didn't think much of it. Needless to day, I didn't call the Doc. At about 3:30 on Thursday, another lady who is pregnant at my school said I probably should call, just to be safe. So I called, and this time, they wanted to see me! I was actually very surprised. By the time I got the final word, it was 4:30 and all the docs had gone home from the clinic, so I had to go into the hospital to be checked. David scurried out of work and was a man on a mission to get me there. I kept assuring him I was fine, but he was awesome in his pursuit to take care of me. It was sort of like my own personal road race through downtown Hartford. When I'm actually in labor, by David's own admission, it will be a sight to behold. If I can do it, I might just videotape the ride there. I think you will be blessed by it. :) I love my life.

I decided not to use the restroom as I figured once they got me all checked in, they'd need a sample. I was right. They put me in a labor and delivery triage room and said, "The gown's on the bed, the cup's in the bathroom for your sample. We'll be back in a minute." THIS, my friends, is where the fun began.

I had to go to the bathroom so incredibly bad. I was torn between what to do first: gown or sample? I decided gown. I quickly undressed and picked up the gown. To my surprise, it was like a giant sheet. In no way did it resemble a gown except for a few strings hanging down the sheet. We both stared at it for a minute and tried to figure it out and then I gave it completely to David (who was trying to help me AND hold my purse, fleece and water bottle because he didn't want to set anything down on the hospital surface...more hilarity from the both of us) and ran to the bathroom. When I came out, he proudly exclaimed, "I think I've figured this out!" He then proceeded to drape it over me and tie/snap random pieces of it together. By this time, we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Two educated people trying to figure out a hospital gown. Add to that the fact that I was only wearing black socks and shoes and we were rushing quickly so that the nurse didn't walk in right in the middle of our escapade of stupidity, and folks, we had lost it. About the time the tears of laughter cleared, we decided we should just start organizing and snapping the little snaps we had found to see if it would help. HARK! It began to resemble a gown and I was quickly inside of it. As I waited peacefully in the bed for the nurse, David was right by my side, holding all my items tightly in his germ-free grasp and deciding how the hospital should paint the room to make it more presentable (can you tell what he's been up to lately?) and I just sat and laughed and laughed. It was super fun.

Turns out everything was completely and utterly healthy healthy healthy! YAY! They said it's just my body and how it reacts to pregnancy. They told me afterward that they thought I was having early contractions. Here's a snippet of our little convo:

Nurse: Have you been feeling contractions?
Me: (crickets chirping) Um.... what exactly would that feel like?
Nurse: (staring at me, blankly) Contractions.
Me: Um, yeah. See, here's the thing. I've never really HAD contractions before so I'm not exactly sure what I should be feeling... maybe you could explain this a little...

She cracked up and then used my thigh muscles to explain contractions. As of this moment, I still don't see how this was really relevant or helpful to me. My thigh is not a teeny-tiny womb and birthing area that has to squeeze a human being through to safety. Anyway, they did a bunch of exam stuff and we got to see Baby on a super-blurry ultrasound machine, and of course we loved that! Still no sign of boy or girl! (Too blurry). Additional hilarity: neither the nurse nor the intern could figure out how to get the stirrups on the exam bed to work. They kept yanking and pulling and tugging on them to release and behold, they wouldn't budge. It was somewhat like a Disney World ride for me atop the bed. David and I were staring at each other and didn't know whether to crack up or run for our lives. They ended up doing my exam the "old fashioned way." In my opinion, the stirrups are a much better way to go. When the intern left the room, she informed us that her husband was the smart one. I'm pretty sure she was kidding...

After the exam and the "ok" to go home, we decided to visit the nursery. It was blocked off for the night, but we ran into the Labor and Delivery Manager and she gave us a personal tour! Not bad for a Thursday night! :)

Here's a picture of me after our victory over the hospital gown. Note the bleary makeup from hysterical laughter. I'm not sure what's worse... hospital gowns or bowling shoes. I'm going to go with hospital gowns. I know how to put on bowling shoes...