What Happens at 3:30 am

Let's be honest. A superhero does not exist in this person called Kelli. Never has, never will. Anyway, I'm terrified of both heights and bridges and I think those are part of the whole superhero thing, so it wouldn't have been a good gig for me anyway. And even though I'm totally cool with my lack of superhero status, there's something about this week that doesn't even make me feel qualified to be a superhero's bookkeeper.

Week 31 has been hard. My family left CT (which is always hard, even harder with hormones), my body hurts quite a bit and my life is scheduled beyond more than I think I can do with a due date looming so close in the future. I'm sure it feels even more confusing to David, since he can't feel what's going on inside my body and I usually don't whine (well, for real whine) or freak out (well, freak out this much), but basically that's been the story of my week.

I know I am SO blessed, but I've been fighting the onslaught of "yuck" that threatens to steal that truth from me. Simply put, no matter how I feel, I cannot and will not let it steal the Truth. Even if I have to go at it crying and yelling, I won't let it steal the Truth. I can't afford to let it steal the Truth because I know how good the Truth is.

I found myself wishing that I could go someplace by myself for a few days, just for quiet, like I've done in the past. Someplace where I could just be still and listen and remember all that God said and all that God told me. I found myself longing to just selfishly be all alone with God with no distractions. Someplace where I could go to prepare for and make sense of this monstrous, amazing, overwhelming and sometimes a little scary journey of becoming a mother. After all, I've just barely kinda-sorta figured out how to be a wife! (I wasn't kidding before when I said that nothing has ever brought me before the Throne of God more than being a wife and mom!). Now, I know I can quiet myself with God anytime, anywhere, but there's just something about taking a few days to listen only to the Spirit of God that helps me push out all the garbage and breathe for REAL. I've been praying like crazy, but my mind is just getting in my way with all the commotion around me.

And then something miraculous happened. I developed insomnia. Hahaha! No, seriously. In my first trimester, I was nauseous, dizzy and woke up at 3:00 am. Now, in my third trimester, I am nauseous, dizzy and wake up at 3:30am, frequently. At first it was annoying, but after a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and some internet surfing, it became so much more fun. And then I discovered why God created third trimester insomnia: YOU CAN BE WITH JUST HIM. I about laughed out loud when I discovered this and I could truly and honestly just feel Him smiling with joy that I got it. I could see Him tossing back His head and laughing with me and for me. This time is so awesome. I've found some amazing Mommy blogs that point me straight to being a Mom God's way and I've been led to some amazing and wonderful quiet time with Him Who entrusted me with this job and Who teaches me and comforts me better than anyone could. Ahhh.

I used to think that third trimester insomnia was to prepare you for those late nights with Baby, and I think that's partly still true. But now I see that third trimester insomnia is to give Mommy a time to refuel with the only One Who can give the best love, comfort and support. I needed this time of preparation. My heart needed it. My Baby needed it.

I'm sure there will be more moments where crazy, stress and tears try to push their way in, but these late-night meetings with God, Who can handle it all and Who soothes the most tired of hearts, sure remind me that the hands that hold me aren't letting go. No matter how much I've slept physically, nothing has refreshed my soul and left me more rested than this moon-lit time, awake with God and awakened with peace.

Exodus 33:14 

The LORD replied, 

“My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Update: Here is the link to one of my favorite Mommy blogs. I linked it directly to the specific blog post that she "linky-ed" with other people's best posts, which have a lot of other great Mommy blogs! Just scroll down to the end of her entry and choose an icon! Happy Reading!